I wish people would just appreciate it when someone thinks about doing or does something nice for them.

I will never understand why its so difficult to just be happy. 

Bella.

12, May 2012

To be honest, I still think about you every now and again. Not nearly as often though. I even refer to you sometimes in conversations, your name slips off my tongue without a sting now.

I don’t know if I’ve just given up or I really don’t care anymore but I’m fine with it now, if you know what I mean by fine. I am not sure if I will ever be completely at peace with you again. I don’t think so, to tell you the truth since I am being honest with you. 

Sometimes I wonder what I’d do if I saw you on the street. Perhaps I’d just keep walking like ever never looked at your hazel eyes, like I’ve never felt your warmth. Just another stranger I’d say to myself. And its true you know, we are strangers now, strangers to each others lives. 

I’m always tired now, of this emptiness.

From a stranger that was once your daughter.

Bella.
19 April, 2012. 

I’ll write you these cliché lines again, because I don’t have any other words to describe my love for you. Saying that is even cliché. I sit by my laptop on this warm friday night trying to think of something meaningful, something powerful, something poignant to write. I try to think of something more than a computer screen with a few lines of words on it. 

It shouldn’t be this difficult to write my love down, when my heart is pounding with your name, when I call out your name in my sleep, when my tongue forgets every word its learnt in 21 years and only remembers your 2 syllable name. 

I’m different since I first saw you, some day in July, almost 2 years ago. I’m happier. 

Sometimes I don’t think I tell you enough how much I appreciate you and all your efforts. Your effort to learn my language, makes me feel special. I couldn’t care if you couldn’t speak a word, it means so much that you try even though you don’t have to. When you say a few words, it makes me proud to call you my partner. The way you talk to my mum and my sisters, being your charming self. I feel comfortable with you around. I could write you pages of letters to thank you for everything but no word or letter would be enough to express my appreciation. 

I just want you to know that I am very lucky to be blessed with you. You are so good to me. I belong with you, in your arms, with your surname, in your heart. You are my world.

I love you.
I love you with everything I have. 

Bella.
6 April, 2012 

I don’t know what I’m going to write to you, this is my heart pouring my uncontrollable words to you.  You are the best thing that has happened to me.

You are the best first love that anyone ever could dream of.

Being with you is different. I know that I don’t have anyone to compare you to, there’s no other skin I’ve touched but I know that I could never feel so comfortable with anyone else. You can’t just be right with more than one person, if you could the world wouldn’t have so many broken hearts.

I know I’m not perfect but I know you love me with my imperfections. Its not a blind love that we share. Its love that can see the flaws and love the flaws because they make us who we are. Its love that can see the beauty in our eyes and cherish it.

You are the best last love anyone can dream of. 

 I wanna be your last, first love. Till you’re lying here beside me with arms and eyes open wide. 

I wanna be your last, first kiss for all time…

Love your fiancee,
Bella.
21 February, 2012.  

When I’m not feeling so well and I definitely do not look my best, with a tissue in my hand and when the sickness has got the better of me, he looks at me like his eyes are going suck the sickness out my body and I’m going to be so much better. And I feel so blessed to have a partner, a soul mate, a best friend, a lover that cares and looks after me so well without ever making me feel like a burden. 

I adore him. I love you baby. 

Bella.

20 February, 2012

Have I said I’m getting married before!! I’m saying it again anyway. Haha

331 days to go!

I cannot wait!

I love you baby!

I love you with every little inch of my heart.
Everything feels just right, like I’m at home in your arms. 
This is where I belong.
This is where I’ve been longing for.

You are my home. 

Bella.
16 January, 2012

I am so madly in love, that my heart is fluttering and there’s a goofy smile on my face.

And I so badly want to kiss his lips off his face. 

Bella.
9 January, 2012 

I type ‘I miss you’ into a message on my phone. I want to tell him I miss him, but I don’t want to bother him while his on holidays, I know he’ll say I’m being silly, but still I hit the ‘save as draft’ button instead of ‘send’. But for the record I miss him so much. I miss his eyes. I miss his nose. I miss his lips. I miss his hands. I miss his arms. I miss his legs. I miss his toes. I miss his hair. I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his warmth. I miss his smell. I miss his comfort. I miss his presence. I miss him making me laugh. I miss him tickling me until I can’t handle it. I miss cooking with him. I miss him. I miss everything; every single thing about him.

I miss you. 

Bella.
7 January, 2013 

Being madly in love; being madly loved is such a beautiful blessing because even when you are a part you can feel them at your fingertips. You can close your eyes and drift off to sleep, feeling their warm skin against your body, you can smell their scent that makes you feel at peace. You can almost hear their heartbeat beating against yours.

Being in love with you is such a beautiful blessing.

Bella.
4 January, 2013

I’m the happiest I’ve been, the most comfortable I’ve ever felt, with you. Your always at my finger tips, so close that I can feel you even when your not by my side. It’s comfortable with you, you know. There’s no worries or fears. Your love is so powerful and deep, but yet it’s not frightening.

And there’s nothing in the world that I love more than you. You make it so easy to love you, so simple to smile and laugh at anything, any time. You show me the world so differently, so beautiful, even the shades of grey have a new found beauty about them. 

My heart beats differently since I met you. I can feel each beat, making me feel so blessed to be breathing with you. There’s no extra work to make you love me, you love my most silly, unpleasant, moody and funny sides; even more than the ones who have to love me. 

Loving you inside and out, every little inch, is so beautiful. I can love you just the way you are, not a single thing that makes me cringe. I love the way you move your lips after you’ve just said something; how you twitch your muscles when you sleep; how you have a song for every word, every situation; how you pretend your a baby; how you smile at me as you drive; how you tell me how beautiful I am and sincerely mean it; how you kiss my hands or my forehead; how you make sure I’m okay every second of every day; how you love me like I’m so precious and fragile; how you look at me like I’m your whole world and nothing else in the world matters. I love you completely, from head to toe, inside and out.

Sometimes I love you so much, I don’t know how to handle it. It takes over my mind and words clutter up in my throat and I want to tell you but the words don’t do justice. 

I love you more than I could ever explain. Maybe one day if words ever reach my tongue I could tell you a bit about it, but for now these are my raw emotions washed with my tears as my heart falls inlove all over again. 

Bella.
27 December, 2011 

A year and few months ago I met a pair of green eyes and a smile he calls ‘goofy’. 

In 377 days, on January the 6th 2013, I will walk down the aisle to marry my best friend, my soulmate, my rock, my life, my lover, my world. I will say ‘I do’ and take him as my husband, in good and bad, forever. 

Bella.
24 December, 2011 

Its difficult to string a bunch of words together when I’ve lost the colour in my eyes. Since yesterday I’ve struggled to come to terms with how to deal with myself and my failed hopes. I didn’t get an offer for the masters program I so desperately wanted. The masters program that I worked for. The masters program that I based my future on. Deep down I thought I would be offered a position. ‘I believe in you, I’m sure you’ll get in’ they told me. Don’t believe in me so much I want to shout.

Now, I’ve got a degree in my hands that I despise so badly. The thought of working in that field makes me cringe. I’m not even sure if I was ready to commit to work since I had my mind so focused on continuing my studies. You’ll try again doesn’t make me feel better. I know everything will be okay, I know its not the end of the world.

I’m just lost within myself. I’m just lost within my colourless eyes. 

Bella.
12 December, 2011 

I had glow in the dark stars stuck on my ceiling when I was a kid. I’d lie in bed in the dark and watch the stars shine. It was simple to make me happy. I could happily lie in bed pretending the stars were real. If I reached out my hand I could almost touch them. 

I’d make a wish every night before I drifted off to sleep. Tonight I will make a wish on the star in my eyes, on my star that lit up my day and dried my tears. Tonight I will wish for him, drifting off to sleep knowing he will make everything okay. 

Bella.
1 December, 2011.

I walk into the bedroom to change before I go home for the night. He follows me and sits on the bed. 

I have an old grey shirt on. I change my tights to put on my light blue jeans. He watches me tugging at my jeans.

“Come here, sit down” he says. 

“What?” I say still trying to pull my jeans on. 

I sit down next to him on bed, close enough to feel his warmth.

He looks me in the eyes.

“You are seriously the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. I’m so lucky to be with you” he says smiling into my eyes in all seriousness. 

“Right, even when I look like a mess” I say, giggling.

He smiles harder ” yes, even when you think you look like a mess” he says.

Bella.
A beautiful day in November, 2011.